Ready for Christmas???

Am I ready for Christmas is the question that I keep getting...... Well, lets see.
1. My house is still full of boxes
2. We just decorated our tree after it being in the living room since last Monday
3. My dinning room table is still in pieces
4. All the presents are in the trunk
5. Have not wrapped a single thing
6. and finally I have only bought like 4 gifts

Am I ready... nope, don't think so...
But, the thing is that it is going to come anyway whether I am ready or not... so I say bring it on!

Hope everyone has a bless Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Reflection...

Well, so much has happened in 2008 good and bad. The beginning of the year was good... had to deal with some stupid people but they are everywhere...LOL I have had some ups and many downs this year. I watch people that I knew well and barely knew at all lose their lives. Some were understandable, some not so much. I watched my mom go from her death bed to walking to sitting, to holding her hand while she took her last breath. And I can honestly say no matter what anyone tells you, that picture never leaves. Friday December 19, today is 2 weeks and I still see it like it was yesterday. I guess that is why I am writing this today. I lost someone who one minute I had the best relationship in the world with and then the next she didn't want anything to do with me. But I always could call her or send a letter to her to spark the relationship with her. I find myself still trying to do that but I haven't quiet figured out the number to heaven yet, but I am working on it. I miss her dearly and everyday ask her to wrap her arms around me and let me know she is there. Two years ago this Christmas she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. It freaked me out but when I extended my hand to her she pushed me away. I hadn't spoke to her since until I got the call from her husband to let me know that she was laying in a bed in shock trauma fighting for her life because an anurisym burst in her brain. She recovered from that and was in therapy to come home when at work I got another call saying she was in a coma and it was the end and I needed to come see her. I went to see her 3 times with in a 5 day span and the last time was to turn off her vent. I can remember growing up her saying very clearly that she did not want to live on a machine. So with the family in the room, we all said our good byes and they took out the tube. 30 minutes later she was gone. I watched her take slower shorter breaths and when she took her last one it felt like a knife in my heart. She was gone. But looking back on everything she had been through the last 3 months I was so proud of her for fighting as long as she did. She gave it her all, and man was it amazing. She survived an anerisym... how many people have done that??? She made amends with all her family and then left in peace. She has done some horrible things to me and many others but after seeing her strong will, her fight and her drive I have to say that I do admire her. It is very horrible that it took her dying for me to see it.
But after all this babbleing, the moral of the story is, during this Holiday season if you do nothing else please, take that extra few seconds to give that hug, to tell someone that you care about them. To just care about someone other than yourself. And for God sake if you are not getting along with a parent, sibling or spouse take the first step to let them know you care, because you don't want to have to say good bye at a funeral home wondering if they can hear you.

My Mom

Well, on Friday December 5th 2008 at 3:02pm my mom passes away. My mom and I had a pretty good relationship when I was a kid but the older I got the rougher it got. As I had written in my previous blogs that she had been in the hospital with a brain aneurysm and had lung cancer on top of that. But neither of these things are what took her. We were sitting in the 'consult' room in the ICU which is never good, and the Nero doctor advised us that her brain had been deprived of oxygen and she had major brain damage and was in a vegetative state. At that point the family debated and decided that it would be best if we took her tracheotomy out and let her go. Thirty minutes later she was gone. I sat there holding her hand the entire time telling her that I loved her and it was okay to go home. I have cried a little but I don't think that it has fully hit me yet. On the other hand I have become much closer with God in the last couple of weeks through all of this and know she is in a better place now. I am sure the viewing and funeral will be hard, but if it wasn't would I have a heart? I have been going through some old pictures and found one of my mom sitting on the couch playing with Mikayla when she was about 7 months old. Our relationship was very sporadic at best but I know she tried but there were a lot of things playing into all of her hate and anger than I knew at the time. Since my mom's passing on Friday I have learned a lot about her childhood and things she went through. But I do know this, as my uncle Phil tells me all the time there is no place for hate in your life, it will just eat you up. That is why I have forgiven my mom for everything that happened between us, it doesn't mean I have to forget them, I just have to let it go and move forward.
I will miss my mom dearly, but we will be together again one day with no harsh feelings and nothing but love.
Rest in Peace Mom..... I love you.

Lots has changed....

Well, where to start. So much has happened since my last posting. We moved, with very little help and it took over a week to get it done. Now everything is in the garage and we have to pick at it little by little. Tomorrow is our court date with our old landlord, I have to say that I am very nervous about the whole thing. Last week I started at walmart as an overnight in stock person. I like it. They give you your work and leave you alone. It is a little hard to get adjusted to working at night, but I guess that will come with time.
Yesterday my mom's husband called and told me that my mom is back in the hospital. She was at a nursing home in Frederick for her rehabilitation. On Thanksgiving she pulled her trake out of her neck and had fallen on Friday. Saturday she was unresponsive and couldn't breathe. Well, tonight at the hospital the doctor pulled us into the 'consult room' and advised us he didn't thinks she would make it through the night. And all her husband could say is that he didn't want to sign the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) because he didn't want to mourn. It took all I had not to knock him off his chair. I just told him that he needs to let her go. Before we left I went back in her room by myself and talked to her and told her that it was okay to go, and when her angels came for her to take their hands and go home. As I was telling her this her heart rate was slowly dropping. It was down to 86 when I left. It is a little after 12 and I haven't gotten a call yet from her husband. I don't know how to feel right now, all I know is that I pray my faith will get us through this. My uncle Phil and my Aunt Niece have been amazing for me through this and I think I would have gone crazy by now. Tonight my Aunt Janet hugged me as I cried my eyes out.
Well, gotta get to bed so I am rested for our court proceedings tomorrow.